July 16
I was sewing the April 1 pocket onto my apron early this morning- always kind of wondering why I’m doing it. “It’s an act of faith”, is what flits through my mind. Like the thesis, I trust that someday it will get done too.
And I realize that I have to trim the corner of the plastic pocket so that it becomes an irregular shape, no longer as squarish as the others. No longer formulaic. And all of a sudden there’ve become overlaps of pocket corner bubbles and embroidered dates overlayed, and it’s getting jumbled up– assuming its OWN shape and telling me what to do. I’m having a relationship with it. I have to leave an opening in the pocket I am finishing sewing in order to insert whatever it is I found at the time which is Mar. 27- and I wonder what it was? that I picked up back then? I think to myself, because I started sewing this plastic bubble a few weeks ago but got tired and only half finished it because I sewed several at that one time, so I’ve forgotten why I made it that size. It’s quite large in comparison to others, and I discover that what I collected was a lovely lichen stained piece of bark.
“Oh it’s so lovely”, I say to it, as I draw it out of the envelope and sew it into the pocket, and still glad I picked it up, still seeing it’s beauty, what drew me to it, and it’s claim on me. It’s its’? its… Its—- possessive form—- Its claim on me, it possesses me, and I remember, as it calls to my mind, our introduction; how I now receive it again, and our shared memory. It re-calls me, as I sew it into the apron.
Also, I notice how, because I have to turn and turn the apron around in order to sew around the plastic pockets, that these bits of flotsam that I’ve picked up, or that have picked me up, the natural substances at least- have started to fall into bits and deteriorate. The transitoriness of what I am doing is evident, that is except for the computer keys and other “man-made” [human-made] plastic substances, which will last forever.
And, getting to the point here- I think of David Jardine (“Unable to Return to the Gods that Made Them” in Under The Tough Old Stars, 2000) yet again, and how he tells it, that the so-called modern man-made materials and particularly “disposables”, are made specifically NOT to be cared about or loved. Neither can they return to the earth when their lifespan is over. I love my apron now, even as it sucks my time and energy, and I have the notion to get some pretty beads and sew them on all over the place. To make it beautiful and complex and “frivolous”. And I think we oughtn’t make things to last, but to be loved.